It was 3a.m. I was working late, when a call came into the office. Mrs Joan Saggy Butt was frantic "you have to help me" she screamed into the phone. After getting her to calm down she explained what happened. Her body fat was missing. It was a call that I didn't want to get.
Once Mrs. Saggy Butt calmed down some she explained someone has stolen her excess body fat. I've been dreading this call. Until lately here in Excess Body Fat, USA we pride ourselves on our saggy arm fat, big butts and thunder thighs. But we have started getting calls like this at an alarming rate. And I know what the answer is the terror we have tried to keep out of our town.
He who shall not be named
As Mrs. Saggy Butt talked I was pretty much oblivious to her words instead chosing to fixate on my half eaten jelly donut. Then regaining my concentration I heard Mrs. Saggy Butt say it was unreal how fast "he who shall not be named works". She rambled on about in 20 minutes her love handles disappeared, her saggy arm fat was shrinking "and my Butt" is so firm you can bounce a quarter on it. I thought she's bats.
It was now as plain as the rolls of fat around my stomach. Mrs. Saggy Butt was taken in by the Dark Side. It is a growing culture all over the country that was now hitting here in my home town. But I wondered how can these people be taken in by this. The benefits of having excess body fat are so plentiful.
Isn't having excess body fat a beautiful site not to mention being incredibly sexy? And Heart disease oh wow what having that body fat does for putting added pressure on your heart. well I'm sure your well aware of all the benefits. So what the heck are these people thinking?
It is becoming very disturbing these lean, trim athletic looking physiques starting to creep into my town. But what can I do? He who shall not be named has been very elusive. So I asked Mrs. Saggy Butt to explain what happened she was still pretty panicky at this point not believing the dramatic changes to not only her body but her health.
What I got out of her ramblings was that "he who shall not be named" came into her home 3 times a week for she thinks only 20 minute intervals and in what seems like no time at all her body was completely changing. She was experiencing high energy levels, low body fat, her thighs weren't rubbing together anymore and her butt wasn't dragging on the ground. This was frightening.
The Dark Side is here and it's real. People losing their excess body fat, getting healthier, having a firm butt, slender thighs and tight abs and all in 20 minute intervals 3 times a week. How do I fight such EVIL!!
After hanging up the with Mrs. Saggy Butt I returned to my jelly donut to contemplate my next move. Someone needed to stop this mass loss of excess body fat , the move to a (ugh I can't say it) healthier life style. But for now My couch was calling me and another box of donuts was just delivered.
As I looked at my new box of donuts (trying to decide which to have first bavarian cream or glazed) I thought about why anyone would invade my peaceful, slow moving town to steal body fat and why would anyone here be taken in by "He Who Is Not Named" and want to live (it really makes me ill to say it) a healthier lifestyle.
Well I can think about it tomorrow. I have donuts to eat and TV to watch.
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